Before I start this post and go into the topic, I want you all to know that there might be some triggering stuff in this post. So if you are triggered easily please do NOT continue to read. I don’t want any of you to maybe get a panic attack or anything else because of this. Just a disclaimer right here.
This is probably the hardest post I ever had to write, since it‘s a quite personal. I wasn’t sure if I should even make it but at the end of the day I want to talk about mental health on my blog so what better way to start a conversation on here than to talk about my own story with my mental health and my struggles.
I know that some people might not be interested in this topic, so feel free to come back for the next post and just skip this one. I am not going to talk about mental health issues in general, I will only talk about my own fight with my personal mental health, so that you guys also know my back story and why I think that having a conversation about this is so damn important. So let‘s get started on my own story.
I always had a weird and NOT good relationship with food and that is the first thing that others noticed. I used to suffer from an eating disorder called bulimia and binge eating. My family didn‘t really notice it that much, since I was good at hiding it BUT my dentist wanted to talk to my mother at one point because she feared that I suffered from bulimia. My teeth weren‘t in a good condition just like my gums, they weren‘t either. My mother started a conversation with me about it and I admitted it straight away, so my parents made me go into a clinic especially for eating disorders where I noticed that not only my relationship with food was horrible BUT my relationship to myself was insanely bad as well.
I started seeing a therapist after that clinic just incase, also my parents wanted that too. With that therapist I noticed that I suffered not only from an eating disorder but also from depression, so my therapist diagnosed me with it when I was 13 years old. So I am now diagnosed since almost 11 years since I‘ll be 24 this year. My mental health wasn‘t the best during that time but it was okay. BUT then something changed when people in school started to bully me, it wasn‘t as bad when I still had a class where I felt comfortable but then in Germany 11th year came around where we don‘t have a real class but have to take many classes with different people…that‘s when I noticed the bullying a whole lot more and it really effected me a whole lot. I started to skip school like the majority of the time and my mental health got worse with each day. I came to a point where I decided that suicide is the only option. Luckily I told my therapist about those thoughts and she and my mother decided that I have to enter a secure section in a psychiatric ward. I had to stay there for 3 weeks until I was able to go into a psychiatric ward especially for people in my age..there I had to stay for almost 6 months.
I had many therapy groups during that time, had therapy sessions twice a week and spent all day there…which was NOT good at all since everyone was around my age (16 at the time) we all weren‘t good for each other. We actually told each other how to hide our illness from everyone instead of really wanting to get better.
So I left that ward telling my parents that I am doing better, when in reality I was at the lowest point of my mental health journey. One week after I got home..I tried to kill myself by overdosing. My parents luckily noticed and called an ambulance. So I am lucky that I am alive today..sadly that wasn‘t the only attempt of suicide BUT it was the worst.
I‘ve been to several psychiatric wards since then..and was until 2014. There I was doing „better“ or at least I thought I was. I still went to therapy, took antidepressants and worked on my mental health from 2014 until 2018 BUT that all came to an end in august 2018. I broke down at work, like literally broke down and everything poured out of me. I talked to my parents about me having suicidal thoughts again…I noticed how bad my mental health actually was. I entered a psychiatric ward in October and stayed there until December and am now waiting to enter again in the middle of march. So I am currently still in the battle with my depression and am trying to be strong…it‘s hard but I am doing it. I am fighting to a full recovery until I achieved that.
Like I said I just wanted you all to know my story before I post stuff about mental health, mental illnesses and stuff like that. That way you know that I have my own journey with all of this. Again I hope this post didn‘t trigger anyone, I don‘t want to upset anyone.
Also I think I never been more scared to publish a post before..like NEVER! I am so scared but I know that depression or suffering form a mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of..and I want y‘all to know that you are not alone in this. I am there with you and I am rooting for you. It took me like 3 weeks to write this post..I left out some stuff..but this is mainly my journey.